


We are Creatures Who Deserve to be Loved

by ElfrootAndEezo



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Dark Past, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friendship/Love, Guilt, Healing, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Shinobi, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-04
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2019-02-28 06:10:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 12,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13265361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElfrootAndEezo/pseuds/ElfrootAndEezo
Summary: Forcefully retired from the anbu, Akane returns to Konohagakure as part of the regular forces. Finding her place without a mask is difficult enough, without the trauma and guilt of her past actions haunting her.Sometimes, knowing you're not alone goes a long way towards healing.





	1. A diver without a way to float

**Author's Note:**

> I know original characters are hard to get into, but Kakashi deserved someone.  
> Needs to put all that Icha Icha reading to use.

It was the easiest and hardest thing in the world, returning. Akane hardly thought she’d ever spend significant time back within the walls of Konohagakure, much less permanently. It was her home sure, but she’d spent a significant enough part of her life putting herself at a distance. The long and dangerous missions of the anbu had provided her with ample opportunity to keep away. She’d always been grateful for that.

 

Lady Tsunade summoning her and breaking the news that she’d be retiring from the anbu and joining the regular forces indefinitely had been a blow. Logically she understood, she knew she was in no shape to continue serving the village in such capacity, but it was still hard to hear. She was a broken shinobi.

 

Kurenai had been initially happy by her return, relieved to have her younger sister back under her roof. She could see the way she watched her though, crimson eyes so much like her own brimming with concern. Kotetsu and Izumo were nothing short of excited to see her again, thrilled to reunite their genin squad. It was easy enough to slip into her old self in their presence, masking the baggage of her anbu years with bonds and nostalgia.

 

“Are you listening?” Akane glanced up at the sound of her sister voice.

 

“Sorry.” Akane smiled, taking a sip of her too hot tea.

 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Kurenai eyed her over the brim of her own cup.

 

“Kurenai.” Akane said, voice practiced and even. “I’m fine.”

 

Kurenai watched her a moment, clearly unconvinced before sipping at her drink once more. Akane fiddled with the hem of her shirt absentmindedly, her sisters had always been this way, kind and far too concerned with the wellbeing of others. The least she could do was smile and try to put her sisters concern to peace.

 

“Akane Yuuhi.” Akane glanced up at the soft-spoken voice of a young shinobi. “You’re to report to the Hokage.”

 

Akane nodded at the young kunoichi, taking the scroll in her hands. A mission hopefully. Akane may not be in the state of mind to serve in the anbu, but aside from being a shinobi, she was nothing. She had few friends and fewer family. Her whole life had been devoted to the village.

 

\-------

 

Akane jolted awake, the bloody images of her memories still fresh in her mind. It had become expected, the dreams. She stilled for a moment, listening, thankfully it seemed Kurenai was still sleeping. Kurenai would have questions and Akane wasn’t ready to speak the answers.

 

It was still dark, the village silent and slumbering. She glanced at the pack beside her bed; it had taken her a whole thirty seconds to prepare for her upcoming mission. The two weeks since her anbu retirement had been difficult, without tasks to distract her she’d spent most of her time cooped up inside. Kurenai had dragged her from the house twice, once for tea and once to spar, but that had hardly helped. Even Kotetsu and Izumo’s surprise visits had done little more than give her a temporary boost. As soon as she was alone, her thoughts turned on her. As shinobi they’d all done questionable things for the sake of the village, but as an anbu she had without a doubt done horrible things. Protecting Konohagakure came at a price, and she had paid it dearly.

 

She threw her legs over the bed, stretching her arms behind her head lazily. Sleep would not return for her now. She was set to meet at the village gate at dawn, to meet her partner for her mission. Tsunade had waved her out of the office dismissively when she’d asked who’d be joining her, mumbling something about not knowing. Shizune had apologised to her politely, smiling as she advised that for her returning mission she’d be paired with someone she knows. It wasn’t Kurenai, she was sure, as Kurenai would be leading a mission elsewhere with her genin squad. It could be almost anyone, barring the younger generation who’d entered into the shinobi world while she was working in the anbu.

 

Getting to the gate early wouldn’t be the worst thing. It would be better than sitting in a quiet bare room waiting for time to pass. Akane dressed quickly, and grabbed her pack only stopping to rifle through the kitchen for something to snack on. Everything was healthy, she groaned, or alcoholic. Her sister had never been a fan of sweet things, much to her exasperation. Akane sighed to herself, grabbing at a pear before heading out the door and beginning her walk to the village gate.

 

Few lights began to shine as she made her way down the streets. Vendors she assumed. The sky was beginning to lighten, though she’d be hard-pressed to call it daylight. Konohagakure was waking for the day, hopefully she’d be gone before it was bustling.

 

The walk to the village gate was short, even with her taking her time.

 

“Akane!” She turned to see Izumo calling for her, jogging behind. Kotetsu was following, though by the slump of his head and shoulders he looked more asleep than anything.

 

She smiled as he caught up, Kotetsu still trailing behind. “Gate duty?” She asked, knowing it was beyond her luck to have her oldest friends join her mission. Kotetsu made a sound somewhere between frustration and boredom.

 

“He’s not a fan of it.” Izumo fell into step beside her, ignoring Kotetsu’s mumbling about errands. “But, guarding the village _is_ something to take pride in.”

 

“There are worse things.” Akane nodded, doing her best to keep her smile in place. She didn’t want to weigh them down. They were her friends, and they wouldn’t think so highly of the things she’d done.

 

“What’re you doing out here?” Izumo cocked his head as they approached the desk where he’d be spending his day.

 

“Mission.” Akane said as the two men settled into their seats.

 

“Who’ve you got?” Kotetsu asked, scratching at the bandage over his nose absentmindedly.

 

“Tsunade didn’t tell me.” She popped herself up to sit on the desk, legs dangling over. “I just hope its not Might Guy, I definitely don’t have the patience for that.”

 

“Just wait till you meet his student.” Kotetsu groans. “The pair of them have more energy in a day than I’ve had in my entire life.”

 

“Absolutely terrifying.” Akane’s eyes widened slightly. Guy was a nice enough guy; the unbridled enthusiasm was a bit hard to stomach though.

 

She settled into place, listening to Izumo and Kotetsu bicker between themselves. Dawn would come, hopefully with an appropriately enthused shinobi.  

 


	2. I understand that you are falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akane and Kakashi begin their journey to the Land of Rivers.

The first time Kakashi had met Akane he’d been a child himself. He’d been unimpressed by her presence, crying over something trivial. It was weak. He knew what it meant to be a shinobi and he knew that she’d never be one. He was certain.

 

They met again several years later, and Kakashi had without a doubt been proven wrong. He’d been an anbu squad Captain for several years when she joined the organisation. Her skill and determination had surprised him, time had certainly hardened her resolve. A kenjutsu master she stood defiantly against all obstacles, refusing to cry or show weakness. Tenzo was his equal, but Akane had become her own force to be reckoned with.

 

Kakashi left the anbu not long after, and found himself in the dark about many of his former comrade’s missions. He knew that Akane was rarely in the village walls, her skills leading her to foreign lands performing the operations Konohagakure kept in the dark. He’d remembered her strong will to protect the village, and her determination to ensure others shouldering her burden. Assassinations were a taxing task after all, emotionally and physically. She’d been determined to a fault, always quick to offer herself for the most dangerous missions. He was never sure whether it concerned or inspired him.

 

She’d been about the last person he expected to see waiting at the gates. Kakashi opened the scroll that had been tucked away in his pocket, and there her name was. Yuuhi Akane. Tsunade had handed him the scroll with a sighed ‘reconnaissance in the land of rivers, meet at dawn.’ He admittedly, should have glanced over the scroll earlier. Tsunade’s bored delivery of the mission had told him it’d be simple. He’d thought it a likely opportunity to catch up on reading. Kakashi glanced back up, she hadn’t noticed him yet. Nor had the two with her.

 

He wandered straight past the desk, not pausing when three sets of eyes flicked up to watch him pass. He glanced over his shoulder, single eye on Akane. “You coming?”

 

He continued out of the village, calmly walking down the road enjoying the morning sun. Akane caught him quickly, falling into step beside him. “You’re late.”

 

“I was-” Kakashi began, but stopped at the look Akane was giving him. She wasn’t buying it. That was to be expected he supposed, even his students had shut down his excuses on occasion. Former students.

 

They continued down the path for some time, in silence. She was different. In the time they’d both been members of the anbu she’d always been quick to share her wit and opinion. A little anti-social of course, but never stand offish. He glanced over at her, and scratched at the back of his neck when she caught him watching.

 

“You’re staring.”

 

“What?” Kakashi hummed.

 

“Its unnerving.” Akane huffed, shifting her katana.

 

“Are you alright?” Kakashi smiled, not that she could see it. She raised an eyebrow at him.

 

“Are you?”

 

“Yes. Why?”

 

“You’re sweating an awful lot.” Akane ran her eyes over him. Kakashi laughed awkwardly. He’d never been much good at these things, conversations about feelings. It was awkward and tense and completely outside of his skill set.

 

“It’s hot.” He lied.

 

She hummed in response as they continued their journey. Akane seemed perfectly content travelling in silence. He normally would be too. Her brows were knitted together, her shoulders tense. She wasn’t acting like the confident fearless force he’d known all those years ago.

 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Akane levelled him a look that he was sure could level mountains. Apparently, she didn’t want to talk. Of course, she didn’t. She’d listened to criticism about her own feelings all her life. He himself had insulted her overly emotional personality as a child.

 

“You know, I never expected to leave the anbu.” He swallowed, waiting for her to shut him down. Again. “Consensus seems to be it did wonders for my personality though.”

 

“I heard you became a jonin sensei.” Kakashi let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. She was speaking. At least for now.

 

“I did.” He chuckled. “Wasn’t very good at it.”

 

“You seem happier though.” She paused, tucking her hair behind her ear. “Lazier and more carefree anyway.”

 

“Heard you became an anbu Captain.”

 

“Wasn’t very good at it.” Akane stared ahead, face blank. Kakashi watched her, noting the tremble of her hand. She was good at keeping her emotions under wraps, but not perfect. “And now I’m here.”

 

“What happened?” He paused after speaking, not sure questioning her was the best course of action. She was still talking though, so that was something.

 

“Tsunade retired me.”

 

“Why?”

 

Akane jumped into the trees, and began darting across branches. Kakashi sighed before following. Conversation over, apparently.

 

\---

 

Akane had done her best to avoid further conversation over the rest of their journey. He didn’t really blame her though. He’d likely be doing close to the same thing if anyone tried to question him so.

 

They’d set up in a small inn in the Land of Rivers largest town. The inn had reportedly been a front for a weapons dealer linked with a collection of missing nin. Akane, having worn a mask for most of her shinobi life was free to travel without henge.  Kakashi on the other hand, could only be free of henge in the comfort of their twin room. He’d never been particularly fond of maintaining henge, much preferring to cover his face in the traditional sense.

 

“Tomorrow,” Kakashi eyed Akane from across the room. She was busy sharpening her weapons. “I’ll head into the Warata Garasu and try to make contacts, angle that I’m looking for work.”

 

“And I’ll spend my day here.” Akane nodded, not glancing up from her present task. She had plenty of experience on missions like these, watching. Calling in the anbu to raid the weapon dealer’s facility would be new though. He wondered why Tsunade had them calling in the anbu, rather than finishing the job themselves. It had to have something to do with Akane.

 

\---

 

He was up reading when Akane began tensing in her sleep. He lowered his book to glance at the kunoichi, watching as she fisted the blanket of her futon. Her jaw was rigid, breathing heavy. Kakashi had had his fair share of nightmares, it was part of being a shinobi. Clearing ones mind of the things they’d seen and experienced was near impossible.

 

Akane stilled, beginning to settle and Kakashi turned his attention back to the Icha Icha novel in his hand. He was not so patiently waiting for the next novel to be released. With Jiraiya training Naruto he was sure to be waiting a while.

 

She gasped, sitting bolt upright; Kakashi almost jumped in surprise. He settled his eyes on her as she gasped, a trail of tears running down her cheeks. He dropped his book instantly, jumping from his own futon to check on her. She was staring at her hands, watching them shake between panicked gasps.

 

“Akane.” He kept his voice low, so as not to startle her. With no reaction to his presence she continued to gasp, watching her hands shake in fear. “Akane.” It was like she couldn’t hear him.

 

He touched her shoulder, trying to shake her free from whatever was haunting her to no avail. She continued to shake, painful sobs heaving her body. This was no normal nightmare, more trance than anything.

 

Kakashi dipped his finger behind the hem of his mask, pulling it down to uncover the sharingan. She stilled as his genjutsu knitted into being around her. He breathed a sigh of relief as her eyes closed and she sunk back into her own futon.

 

She wasn’t okay, but at least he’d calmed her for the moment.  


	3. It's okay to cry if the night is scary

She was okay, except when she wasn’t.

 

Some nights she woke up screaming, others she slept through peacefully. She didn’t always remember the nights she woke. Kakashi could tell by their morning interactions. She avoided him after the nightmares.

 

In the two weeks they’d been in the Land of Rivers he’d woken to her night terrors four times. He’d tried to talk to her. The right words never quite forming. He was sure she was relieved by his lack of questioning though.

 

She’d slept through the last two nights soundly, he was sure. He hadn’t slept so well. The anticipation of another episode had weighed on him. He knew of the dark side of the shinobi life himself. Kakashi had been quick to take it out on others, cold and merciless. The idea of Akane holding all of that darkness and turning it on herself made his chest heavy.

 

He was on his way back to the inn when she appeared beside him, nudging into his shoulder. They continued down the street together, Akane looking as carefree as he’d seen her since beginning the journey. Sleeping through the night did wonders for her apparently.

 

“Kenji.” Akane said simply, sidestepping to avoid the path of couple too engrossed with one another. He watched her for a moment, waiting for her to elaborate. “Kenji, the innkeeper’s son. I’m sure I mentioned him.”

 

“You didn’t.”

 

“Perhaps you just weren’t listening.” Akane quipped.

 

Kakashi rolled his eyes in exaggeration. She was feeling better. “Kenji…” He prompted when she failed to speak.

 

“Sorry, what?” She hummed, moving away from him. He stopped in his tracks as she approached a small sweet vendor. He would have been frustrated by her wayward attention if he wasn’t so relieved to see her smiling.

 

Akane made her way back to him, a small bag in hand. “Anyway, what was I saying?” She pauses, tossing a small pink sweet into her mouth. “Ah. Kenji is the weapons dealer. The moneys coming through the inn, no weapons though.”

 

“Any idea where the weapons are?” Kakashi asked.

 

“I thought you might.” Akane tucked the bag of sweets away.

 

Kakashi thought in silence for a moment, trying to recall any worthwhile information from the shady people he’d become acquainted with over the past couple of weeks. There was another hide out, somewhere to the East. He hadn’t been privy to much more beyond that. They were not overly trusting of the newcomer.

 

“Perhaps.” He ponders the possibility.

 

They continued to walk in silence. Kakashi unable to help but steal glances at the woman beside him. Fortunately for him, her attention is focused on the village around them. He thinks about talking but quickly closes his mouth. The second he asks about her, she’d likely shut down and avoid him for several more days. He’d become accustomed over the years to constant chatter and excessively animated stories. This silence was comfortable, unlike the tense silence that had fallen over them early into their journey.

 

“It’s weird, being outside without that mask.” She gestures to her face; her shoulders rolling with a half shrug. That mask. He nodded, the mask was as much a burden as it was a protective wall. “How long did it take you to adjust?”

 

“That’s hard to say.” Kakashi paused, trying to recall his own anbu retirement. “It was- It was like sitting by a fire, the warmth of those that cared slowly seeping in. It was hard and eventually it wasn’t.”

 

She nods at his explanation, humming to herself in thought. Kakashi watches, as she opens and closes her mouth several times. He wasn’t the only one having a hard time talking.

 

“Did you get the nightmares?”

 

He did. He suspected they’d never leave him. Several images flashed into his mind: finding his father, Obito’s death, his hand through Rin’s chest, kids he’d killed, the nine tails attack. “All shinobi do.”

 

“To a degree.” She agreed then paused. “Thank you.”

 

He didn’t ask what she was thanking him for, he knew by the way she averted her eyes. They were glossy, threatening to spill with tears. “It’s okay.”

 

“If it was, I’d still be in the anbu.” She turned, reaching to shift the katana that wasn’t strapped to her back by habit.

 

He watched her as her eyes flitted about the streets. She was doing her best to avoid looking at him. Kakashi decided not to speak as they neared the inn, instead settling for a squeeze of her shoulder.

 

He’d expected her to shrug him off. She didn’t.


	4. I want to breathe, it's painful here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akane is attacked by mercenaries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS for violence and pregnancy loss this chapter.

Missions never worked out how they were expected to. Reconnaissance and intelligence gathering had been their mission. The fighting was supposed to be left to the anbu. And yet, she’d been woken by the sound of intruders. Three of them.

 

Akane grunted, as she elbowed the nearest thug in the face. It was definitely not how the plan was supposed to go. Kakashi had yet to return for the night and Akane hoped he hadn’t been attacked as she was.

 

She was grateful at times like these that she slept with her katana and her wakizashi nearby. She sighed in relief as she took the katana in her hands, kicking the wakizashi out of the reach of any idiot mercenaries. At least they weren’t shinobi.

 

Akane dodged to the side as the largest of the three swung at her. Their faces were covered, dirty green masks hiding their identities. It was easy enough to sidestep the incoming blow, and use the opportunity to swing her sword. Swiftly, she sliced through the arm of the largest mercenary. It took several moments before he screamed, much too high pitched for a man of his stature and flung himself to the ground in a panic. He grabbed helplessly at the stump where his arm had been.

 

The other two mercenaries, one with red and one with dark hair lurched at her from opposite sides of the room. A quick substitution jutsu and she avoided their poorly executed attempt to immobilise her. She knocked the red headed mercenary under the chin with the pommel of her katana sending them flying through the thin walls of the inn. Tsunade would not be pleased about paying for damages.

 

The largest of the mercenaries remained in a state of panic, even as the one with dark hair shouted at him to get up. The red head came barrelling back into the room, kunai drawn. Akane lurched forward as the red head barrelled towards her, swinging the kunai violently. They weren’t going to give up. The dark haired mercenary circled behind Akane. They were trying to close her in. Again.

 

She could hear shouts throughout the inn as the other guests fled the scene. Akane swung around and kicked the one behind her, knocking them back for long enough to swing her katana at the other attacker. The katana sliced across their throat easily, and they crumbled hands bloody as they tried to hold themselves together. It was no use.

 

Akane turned her back on the red headed mercenary as the took a final gasp and focused her eyes on the remaining attacker. She could see the puddle of blood where the larger man had been clutching at his arm. He’d scrambled off in fear.  

 

“Shinobi don’t belong here.” The final attacker dove at her, kunai ready in each hand. Akane twisted avoiding the slice of the blades, using the motion to angle herself behind them. She brought her blade down, piercing between the enemy’s shoulder blades before they knew what was happening. Their body grew heavy and Akane had to yank her katana to remove the blade from their body.

 

She glanced about the room, eyeing the damage before heaving a heavy sigh. Everything was a mess. She stumbled over the body of one of them to look through the person sized hole in the wall. The next room looked regularly peaceful, bar the dusted pieces of wall smashed into the floor.

 

She eyed the mess in their own room once more. Hopefully Kakashi would be back shortly. Hopefully he hadn’t faced similar troubles wherever he was.

 

The small washroom off to the side remained untouched. Akane made her way over, stepping around the two bodies and the mess of their fight. She eyed herself in the mirror, she looked relatively unscathed. Her hair looked slightly more wild than normal, and she was dusted with debris, but she’d been untouched.

 

The crunch of someone stepping into the mess of their room startled Akane, her head whipping towards the door. Her hand still on her katana she made her way out. Kakashi was likely back, though more enemies were not out of the question. Sensor types were so lucky, she mused, they never were startled by unknowns.

 

The large now one-armed mercenary charged at her as she stepped into the room. His arm found her throat, pressing her up against the wall frame behind her. Katana still in her death grip she swung it the best she could from her position, slicing into the mans side. He stepped back shocked. Akane gasped for breath, pulling her sword to her and stabbing it forward into the mans stomach. His remaining hand gripped the end of the katana, as blood seeped through his clothes. His mouth was opening and closing, words trying to come out. Akane pulled her blade free, slicing his hand in the process.

 

He grabbed at her, his bloody hand smearing her clothes with blood as he fell to the floor. Akane looked down at her now bloodied clothes, the floor pooling with the blood of the three mercenaries.

 

She fell to the floor with a thud. They should have fled. They didn’t need to die.

 

Sighing shakily, she settled herself, and used her arms to push up from the floor. It was too late now. She ran her hand across her brow to wipe away the sweat beading on her forehead. Her hand was sticky.

 

Akane’s breath hitched at the sight of her hand, coloured with blood that didn’t belong to her. Her breath came out ragged as her hands began to shake, her katana laying abandoned on the floor.

 

She wiped at them, rubbing them incessantly on her clothes. The blood remained. Her stomach twisted as bile made its way up her throat. Holding her breath and mouth firmly shut, she frantically scrubbed her hands together as she ran for the washroom. Under running water she continued to scrub to no avail. She was stained. Unable to take her eyes off her bloody hands she blinked back images of a young woman clutching at her stomach. She snapped her eyes shut, overwhelmed by the vile smell of blood in the air and the taste of bile rising in her throat.

 

_She plunged her katana into a missing nin from Suna_. Akane heaved, her body trying to expel the memories. _The woman cried in pain, clutching at her stomach possessively_. Shaking hands, Akane splashed her face with water. Not now. _Blood_. She didn’t want to see this all now. She couldn’t. _Blood was seeping through the womans clothing, sticking it to her skin._ Akane flung her eyes open. Her own eyes betrayed her as she caught her reflection. _The Hyuga with her turned to her, “both targets eliminated.”_

 

“No.” Akane shook, her bloody hands numb from scrubbing. _Her eyes darted back to the suna missing nin, her loose clothing sticking to her skin showing a slightly rounded stomach._ Akane heaved again, the taste of stomach bile heavy on her tongue. Her whole body was shaking as the memory played out for her. _Breath left her body as she turned to the Hyuga, “Why?” A child. She never would have- She dry heaved at the sight of the woman before her. At the sight of her own hands._

Akane’s hands tightened in her hair, willing her body to stop. She couldn’t take it. “ _A child with such a dangerous kekkai genkai is a danger to us all.”_

 

Body trembling Akane forced her hands under the running water.

 

She had to wash it off.

 

She had to wash it away.


	5. It's okay to get lost

The nearer Kakashi edged to the inn the clearer it was. He hadn’t been the only one set upon by mercenaries. Inn occupants were huddled around the front of the building, clutching each other in panic.

 

He dashed through the building, swiftly avoiding the attention of the civilians crowded around. It was silent inside. Their room was covered in rubble, the floor sticky with blood. He counted three bodies, strewn across the room amongst the mess of battle.

 

“Akane?” He scanned the room for signs of her. Five had come after him. There were no signs of other attackers. His eyes fell on smeared red footprints leading into the small washroom.

 

He moved across the room subconsciously, peering into the room. Akane hadn’t noticed him, too intent on her task. She was scrubbing her hands furiously, towelling them with single eyed concentration.

 

“Akane.” She didn’t budge, he was sure she wasn’t hearing him. “Akane,” He repeated, approaching her from behind. He wasn’t equipped to deal with things like this. He himself wasn’t the greatest picture of mental health. He paused for a moment, before pressing his hand to her shoulder.

 

She jerked at his touch, eyes on him through the mirror. Her body trembled as she took a shaky breath. Kakashi remained unmoving. Eyebrows knotted together, he’d never seen her look so lost. It was hard to imagine she was the same woman who’d happily chatted with him in the last few days. He turned her to face him, and look her over. Her hands were rubbed raw, the skin reddened.

 

“Their blood,” She said. “I can’t get it off.”

 

Kakashi hovered by her for a moment, unsure of what to do. He’d turned his own trauma into a cold exterior, not letting himself feel much of anything. His genin team changed that. Still, he wasn’t very emotionally forward.

 

“Come on.” Kakashi tucked his arm around her, taking her weight in his stride. “Let’s get out of here.”

 

A moment later and they were outside the inn, standing on the roof of a nearby building. Akane was staring off into the distance, no longer scrubbing at her hands. It was something, at the very least. He helped her to sit, bringing his hand to rest awkwardly on her back.

 

“Are you okay?” She didn’t turn to him as she spoke, her eyes still fixated on nothing. It was a testament to who she was as a person that even like _this_ she was still thinking of others.

 

He nodded. His own attackers had been dispensed of easily enough. He’d sent word to the Hokage before checking on her, the anbu would be on their way soon enough and they could go home.

 

“Did I ever tell you about the time a seven-year-old girl gave Tenzo a concussion?” Kakashi paused, waiting to see if she was going to speak. “It was before you joined, we were in this small village near Iwa, had been dealing with kids being kidnapped by missing nin for experiments.” Kakashi rubs her back, and continues. “Cleared out the problem and found this kid, she didn’t hear us approach. The girl looked up to see Tenzo and screamed, smacking him across the head.”

 

“He spent the rest of the day running into things.” Kakashi finished, giving a final pat of her back as she glanced up at him, the barest of smiles on her face.

 

“Was the girl?” She began.

 

“She was fine.” Kakashi smiled beneath his mask, pleased to have distracted her. “Shaken up of course, but fine.”

 

Akane nodded, tucking her knees close to her body. Kakashi watched her as she stared out over the village. She’d stopped crying and her body was no longer trembling, but she was far from being the confident and playful women she’d been only days before.

 

“I’m sorry,” She said, as she turned to avoid his gaze.

 

“What happened?”

 

“That’s quite obvious isn’t it?” Akane laughed, mirthlessly.

 

“I’m not asking about tonight.” He watched her carefully blank face, his own hand falling from her back. Suddenly unsure whether asking was a mistake, he swallowed and waited.

 

She didn’t speak for several moments, instead glancing at him from the corner of her eye. He knew he’d crossed a line. They hadn’t spoken in years before Tsunade had sent them off together, she probably didn’t feel comfortable talking to him. He understood. Showing your cards was hard. He’d never force her to, but he’d never abandon a friend in need either.

 

“Thank you,” She gave a half smile. “For being here.”


	6. It seems I might still be able to keep going

Akane sliced the training dummy before her with far more aggression than was necessary. She’d likely dull her blades before long, not that it mattered. She wouldn’t be needing them any time soon. She swung the katana overhead, slicing the dummy in half. It fell to a heap in scraps.

 

“Is that supposed to be me?” Akane ignored Kakashi’s voice behind her as she strapped her katana to her back. Truth be told, she almost wanted to swing at him.

 

Akane headed in the direction of the village as she walked through the training grounds. Kakashi was following her, she could hear his steps behind her. He wasn’t even trying to be subtle. Akane sighed heavily, glancing over her shoulder at the copy nin with a raised eyebrow.

 

“I know you’re angry.” Kakashi lowered the crude novel in his hand as he began speaking.

 

“Very insightful,” Akane snipped.

 

“You know I had to tell her.” She turned away from him as he spoke. She knew he had to tell her. The Hokage needed to know of any weaknesses that might jeopardise a mission. Still, she couldn’t help feeling betrayed. She’d been suspended from leaving the village as a result. She’d gone from anbu Captain to a jonin on suspension in no time at all.

 

“You need more time.” Kakashi stood near her as he spoke. Akane made a sound in protest but was quickly quietened by Kakashi’s words. “Running from your problems doesn’t make it any easier.”

 

“Either does losing the only thing you know.” Akane took a deep breath to quell the shake in her voice. “I’m a shinobi. That’s all I’ve ever been.”

 

“That’s a lie.” Kakashi reached forward, grabbing the back of her arm as she tried to leave. “Sister, friend, daughter. You’re more than a weapon.”

 

Akane’s anger flared in response. She’d always feared vulnerability, and the more he tried to help the more he ebbed it out. She spun, pushing his hand away. Her eyes fixed on him, as she watched him coolly take a step back. Always so aloof, the only sign of anything was found in his single visible eye which was watching her intently.

 

Akane unsheathed her wakizashi and stepped towards Kakashi. He watched her for a moment before nodding. Dropping her katana to the ground beside her, she lunged at Kakashi, a kunai seemingly materialising from thin air to stop her small sword with a metallic clang. Blades and eyes locked together they each pushed for dominance, but neither was willing to give up.

 

She kicked his foot out from under him, but he was too quick. A cloud of dust remained where the silver haired ninja had just been standing. Her eyes flitted around the clearing, trying to find him before he launched an attack on her.

 

The slightest of breeze tickled the back of her neck and Akane stabbed her sword behind her in one swift movement, Kakashi dodged to the side, bring his kunai down. She used the momentum of her stab to flick the kunai out of his hand with the base of her wakizashi.  Anticipating her move, his hand wrapped around her wrist, twisting it as he kicked her feet out from beneath her.

 

Akane jumped to her feet, smashing the handle of her blade into Kakashi’s chin with a loud crack. He stumbled back a step, before jolting forward again and tackling the wakizashi from her hand and throwing it off to the side with their other weapons. Akane jumped back several paces as Kakashi’s eye fixed onto her. She smiled to herself, feeling at ease as they broke into a spar of taijutsu. There was something healing about the ache of muscles as you spared.

 

Amid kicks and punches, Akane found herself losing ground and being pushed back toward the tree line. She swung at him, though her fist failed to connect as his hand whipped up and grabbed her wrist. She swore to herself as he pressed her against the tree, one hand pinned behind her back the other, fixed above her head.

 

“I win.” Kakashi gleamed, the crinkle of his mask and mirth in his eye giving away the hidden smile.

 

“Do you?” Akane raised an eyebrow, kicking out his ankle and freeing herself from his grip.

 

Kakashi quickly recovered, picking himself back up and pinning her against the tree once more, his leg now positioned carefully between her own. “Looks like I do.”

 

“I concede.” Akane sighed, trying to ignore the warmth of his body pressed so near to her. “Now can you let me go?”

 

“Shortly.” He hummed, fixing his eye on her.

 

“Trying to act out a scene from one of those books?” Akane teased.

 

“No, though you do kind of look like...” Kakashi trailed off, the visible part of his face reddening. “No, I’m going to talk some sense into you.”

 

She huffed, and fought the urge to childishly roll her eyes.

 

“You’re a talented shinobi, but I’ve seen many talented shinobi fall to emotional trauma.” Akane stayed silent as he spoke, the glazed look in his eye quietening any comments. She knew he was thinking of his father. “You’re not alone. Stop trying to do it alone.”

 

She opened her mouth to speak but Kakashi continued. “I understand regret and trauma, and the need to present yourself as collected but it’s not worth it. You’ll hurt everyone who cares about you and find your nothing but a cold empty shell of yourself.”

 

“I don’t know if I can do it.” Akane shifted her eyes to the side avoiding his too intent gaze, fixating them on a single blooming flower. “Be vulnerable like that.”

 

Kakashi remained still, pressed against her, his arms still holding her own and his leg nestled between hers. She hadn’t been close so close to anyone in a quite some time, and the intensity of his eye on her had her mouth running dry.

 

“I- ah-” Akane fought for words. “Thank you. Again.”

 

Kakashi nodded, his eye crinkling with a smile. She’d always loved how expressive his eye was, it was pure. “Sparring partner, someone to talk to, I’m here.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

“You said that.” Kakashi’s laugh, shook through him and by extension her. She closed her eyes as she took a deep breath to slow the painful thumping of her heart. She should not be reacting to his presence like that. He shifted and the press of his leg between her own became apparent once more. She should definitely not be thinking of him. Not of him pressed against her in _other_ ways, anyway.

 

“I meant it.” Akane breathed, painfully aware of his breath on her neck. “You’re the first one who’s really tried.”

 

“I understand because I’ve been there Akane,” Kakashi dropped her hands from his hold “and I care.”

 

Akane glanced up at him, willing away the thundering pound of her heart. He’d surely be able to hear it with how closely pressed he remained. His eye flicked to her lips, so quickly she was almost sure she’d imagined it. Before she called ponder it she found his lips pressed to hers, warm and soft. She relaxed into his touch as he pressed against her. Her deafening heartbeat quietened by the small sounds he’d managed to coax from her.

 

It was over before she could wrap her arms around his neck and draw him closer. He stepped back, mask back in place, as she watched him breathlessly. She immediately missed the warmth of his body pressed against her, and the softness of his lips teasing her own.

 

“I care.” With a cloud of dust, he was gone.

 

Akane lent back into the tree, trying her hardest to slow her breathing and cool herself down. She hadn’t started the spar expecting a pep talk and whatever _that_ was, but she couldn’t find it in herself to complain.

 

She wasn’t alone.


	7. While our understanding doesn't meet

Kissing Akane was a selfish move, that much he knew. He’d been caught up in his own desires, pushing her struggles to the back of his mind. He’d regretted it almost as soon as he’d left. He wanted to kiss her of course, more than he cared admit. Kakashi knew that moving on from her own traumas out to come before romance. If there was to be romance. He hadn’t stuck around long enough to hear her feelings on the matter.

 

He’d been away for the three weeks that followed the kiss, after accepting Tsunade’s timely appointed mission. Seeking her out to discuss the events that had transpired between them had been his first goal upon returning, though he’d been unsuccessful. He’d hardly got a glimpse of the back of her head in the few days he’d been back. It was likely she was avoiding him.

 

Kakashi sat at Yakiniku Q opposite Asuma, Kurenai and Anko, Guy sat beside him. It was quiet for the time of evening, and Kakashi had accepted with the intention of posing some innocent questions about Akane. He was sure he could question away without Guy or Kurenai guessing any motives outside of passing concern. Asuma and Anko on the other hand, were far more likely to question any visible concern.

 

“What say it Kakashi?” Guy gleamed from beside him, clapping a heavy hand on his shoulder. “An all you can eat challenge fit for Konoha’s two most handsome rivals.”

 

“I’m not all that hungry.” Kakashi shook his head as the rest of the table groaned.

 

“All the more a challenge then.” Guy stood comically, raising his fist in youthful pride.

 

“Please, just one normal dinner.” Kurenai practically groaned from opposite him. Guy hesitated for a moment before sitting down and giving Kakashi his finest wink.

 

“Another day, my friend and eternal rival.”

 

Kakashi nodded, falling into silence as the group around him began talking once more. It was a small comfort, their presence. The food was served and they all tucked in, conversations and drinks spilling.

 

Kakashi glanced up at the sound of Akane’s name falling from Kurenai’s lips. “How’s she settled in?”

 

Kurenai shrugged, as Asuma tucked an arm around her shoulders. “I’m not sure, we’re both busy and I don’t see her as much as I’d like.”

 

“She’s been going out more, hasn’t she?” Asuma glanced at Kurenai. “That’s a good sign.”

 

“Is it?” Anko smiled devilishly. “The three of them were little troublemakers as kids, they’re probably up to no good.”

 

“That’s an exaggeration.” Kurenai smiled fondly. “There were only two incidents.”

 

Anko and Asuma snorted at Kurenai’s choice of words and Kakashi found himself at a loss as to what the incidents could be. He’d likely been part of the anbu at that point in time.

 

“Incidents?” He asked with a raised eyebrow. He could hardly imagine Akane, Izumo and Kotetsu getting into major trouble. Kotetsu was far too lazy and Izumo too determined to be responsible to do anything too extravagant. Akane was often emotionally volatile, but even more focused on her goals.

 

“Speak of the devils.” Asuma nodded, tipping his drink in the direction of the door. Kakashi fought his need to turn and look until they stood over their table.

 

“What’re you doing here?” Kurenai asked, smiling at the three shinobi.

 

“Takeout.” Akane shrugged.

 

“Nonsense.” Kurenai nudged Asuma to move over. “We were just talking about the incidents anyway, join us.”

 

The small group deliberated for a moment before Izumo sat nearest him, preventing Akane from sitting near. She sat on Izumo’s other side as Kotetsu sat near Anko. Kakashi nodded at the three of them, noting the awkward way Izumo was wringing his hands. Kakashi tried to look past Izumo, but Akane seemed intent on looking at everything bar him. The seating was not coincidental then. He’d messed up.

 

“The incidents.” Kotetsu smiled, showing near on the most pride he’d ever seen the younger man exude. “Firstly, as young academy students we upon a dare crept into T&I and let loose dozens and dozens of frogs. Seventeen top secret documents were destroyed as we scrambled out of there avoiding the attacks of an elite jonin convinced we were enemy ninja. Thankfully Inoichi came to our aid and prevented our deaths. Two months of picking trash from the streets of Konoha and it was worth it.”

 

“Aside from the destroyed documents.” Izumo added rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. “It’s probably why we’re still chunin.”

 

“I’m not.” Akane teased, Kakashi smiling subconsciously at the playful mirth of her voice. Her happiness brought him far too much joy. It shouldn’t affect him so.

 

“Yeah, well, you just bat those pretty eyes of yours and Lord Third let you on your way.” The table laughed at Izumo’s little outburst, and Kakashi found himself nodding because she did have beautiful eyes. If she batted them his way, she could likely get away with anything.

 

“And the second incident?”

 

“I had absolutely nothing to do with.” Izumo stated, as Akane and Kotetsu rolled their eyes.

 

“It was your idea!” Akane and Kotetsu shouted in unison.

 

“As celebration for graduating from the academy and being teamed together Akane and I bought a whole heap of fire crackers, but _somebody_ didn’t think that’d be big enough.” Kotetsu eyed Izumo.

 

“We used the transformation technique to get into the Hokage’s stores and made off with a few fireworks saved for New Year celebrations.” Izumo shrugged.

 

“All of the fireworks.” Akane raised her eyebrows. Kakashi watched the exchange between the three former teammates curiously, wondering how full of life Akane had been before shinobi life wore her down. He wanted her to live like that again. Maybe with less incidents, but the spirit with which she did everything he’d love to see returned.

 

“We accidentally set fire to a few roofs.” Kotetsu eyed Izumo, though a playful smirk was evident. “Three months’ worth of missions without pay.”

 

“Thankfully you all grew up.” Kurenai waved her hand to further her point before taking a long sip of sake.

 

“Mostly.” Izumo added under his breathe.

 

The meal continued, conversation flowing as they reminisced of their youth. Kakashi always felt like an outsider during these types of conversation, his youth had been more pain than peace. Asuma and Kurenai’s careful ‘not relationship’ façade had faded with each sip of sake, Asuma now twirling his fingers through her long hair. Anko had long since sidled off, a young civilian man in her sights and Kakashi wasn’t sure whether Kotetsu and Izumo were about to headbutt or kiss as they argued about seemingly nothing.

 

Kakashi took the opportunity to move around the table and make his way to Akane. Her cheeks were flushed from drinking, as she was watched Asuma and Kurenai with suspicion.

 

“She told me there was nothing going on.” Akane took another sip of her sake, and turned to him slightly, acknowledging his presence.

 

“She lied.” They’d been seeing each other for at least six months and were still in public denial. Kakashi enjoyed watching them squirm every time the subject was brought up, wondering how two excellent shinobi could be so bad at keeping a secret.

 

“Why do people do that?” She looked solemn. He tried to ignore the way his stomach pitted at the sight.

 

“Lie?”

 

“Pretend,” Akane looked forward, avoiding his gaze. “About their feelings.”

 

Kakashi paused before speaking, unsure whether they were still discussing Kurenai and Asuma. Carefully choosing his words he spoke. “I don’t think they’re pretending, they both know how they feel.”

 

Akane didn’t respond. Kakashi watched, trying to find more words. She wordlessly stood, and with a nod of her head retreated from Yakiniku Q with Kotetsu and Izumo.

 

He stood to follow. To say something more.

 

But, she was gone.

 

For all the Icha Icha he’d read, he really wasn’t very good at romance.


	8. The Meaning of the Words I Speak

Akane shifted uncomfortably as Shizune glanced at her over their pot of tea. She’d agreed to see Shizune after her suspension for several reasons. It was unfair of her to let her demons rule her life. She’d withdrawn from so many people for so long, out of fear of losing them that she’d never realised that it was her own decisions rather than inevitable death that was losing them. She’d become cold and angry trying to hide away her vulnerability and fears.

 

She didn’t like meeting with Shizune, the expectation to share her thoughts and feelings made her palms sweaty in a way no squadron of shinobi ever could. Akane would continue the meetings though, for her sister, her friends and herself.

 

“So,” Shizune smiled, pouring tea as she spoke. “How have you been sleeping? Any better?”

 

“Somewhat.” Akane shrugs, watching the steam rise from her teacup. “I still have them, the dreams that is, but I’ve been working on settling myself back to sleep.” It had been hard at first, willing herself back to sleep. Each time she closed her eyes she’d see the same images, the blood. She’d taken to stargazing to help calm her mind. Counting the stars worked, mostly.

 

Shizune smiles encouragingly. “And how’s Kurenai been?”

 

“She hovers.”

 

“She worries for you.” Shizune smiles, blowing over her tea. “But you’ve been making improvements, so I’m sure she’ll settle somewhat. That aside, you’ve been getting along well?”

 

Akane nods, as she sips at her tea. Living with Kurenai was stressful at times, but, it had also had its moments of fun. Teasing one another and gossiping about the others in their lives was oddly remedial. It was almost nostalgic, reminding her of a time before shinobi life had taken them both.

 

“And Kotetsu and Izumo? No problems there?” Shizune continues with out answer, assuming, rightfully, there were no issues between the former squad mates. The only thing that had ever come between them was distance, real and imagined.

 

Akane nods along, smiling on occasion as Shizune continues speaking about the stress of working under Tsunade. She appreciated it. The way Shizune would divulge tales from her own life rather than just needle her. It was easier.

 

“Anyway,” She smiled. “I’ll speak with Lady Tsunade of course, but I’m happy with your progress. You should be able to return to low stress work soon enough, gate duty, guard duty within Konoha.”

 

“Thank you.” Akane smiled sincerely, she’d been eager to return to work. Even the broken shinobi she was, she needed to be a shinobi. It was all she was.

 

Shizune smiled brightly, waving her hand off like it was nothing. “I know you’ve been dying to get back to work and I think you’re ready. Of course, I recommend you avoid combat and traumatic cases for the foreseeable future but, I’m really proud that you’re trying to help yourself.”

 

“Thank you again Shizune.” Akane stood, bowing politely before retreating. “Next week?”

 

“I’ll be here.”

 

*

 

Akane had been on the streets of Konoha all of two minutes before Kurenai found her. Akane tilted her head to the side as Kurenai bumped into her side, taking hold of her arm.

 

“So, what did she say?”

 

“That you can stop hovering.”

 

“I don’t hover.” Akane rolled her eyes at her sisters shocked expression. Kurenai quickly correcting herself, shrugged and continued. “Anko and I are going to the bathhouse this evening, you’re coming.”

 

“I’m not.” Akane eyed her sister. “I had plans to train.” She needed to train, especially with the return to service in her future. She wouldn’t settle for being an unfit shinobi.

 

“Train tomorrow.”

 

“Or,” Akane shrugged. “I can train this evening.”

 

“I really need a girl’s night out.” Kurenai tugged at Akane’s arm much like a child. Akane huffed and eyed her sister with annoyance. “Please.”

 

“Fine.” Akane snapped, throwing her arms up dramatically. Kurenai smiled and the pair continued walking in silence.

 

At least she wouldn’t have to see Kakashi. She’d done her best to avoid him over the past few weeks. He’d made it clear to her that he didn’t really care. Kissing her and telling her he cares before disappearing with the knowledge he’d be away for weeks had made it obvious. _They both know how they feel,_ had cemented it as fact.

 

She really shouldn’t have been surprised, Kakashi had never been big on feelings after all. He was about as emotionally broken as she was. He’d got carried away was all. She had too.

 

It was difficult to admit just how carried away she’d gotten in the moment. Sure, she’d gotten further carried away in the moment with other men before, but generally out of frustration and attraction. They’d never been men she’d known known. Never men she’d actually liked beyond the moment. She’d trusted Kakashi. As a friend and comrade.

 

Izumo and Kotetsu had been of minimal use when she’d confessed to them, aside from swearing to keep her distracted and him at a distance. She couldn’t bring herself to utter a word to Kurenai, mortified by the prospect of having a conversation of that intimacy with her often over bearing sister.

 

Akane was hardly sure why it was such a big deal to her in the first place. A kiss was nothing. Not really. Not with the others. But, kissing Kakashi felt as though her fight and flight instincts had been simultaneously activated.

 

“You know what,” Akane shifted, smiling at her sister. “A girls night sounds great.”


	9. When I look up at the night sky, the clouds disappear

It took Akane a whole thirty seconds to realise that agreeing to a girls night was an entirely awful idea. She should have guessed. It was her fault. Kurenai was too caring in an almost suffocating way when it came to the happiness of her younger sister. Akane, being the younger sister knew it all too well. And even though Kurenai's meddling was always the result of good intentions, it was not always helpful. Sometimes outright unhelpful. It was primarily the case when Anko was with her, always scheming for her own enjoyment. 

 

They'd set their sights on Akane's romantic life, or lack thereof as far as they were concerned. Akane sighed as they continued to suggest men from the village. She wasn't interested. Kakashi crossed her mind more than she cared to admit, but after kissing in the training grounds, things had quickly become tense between them. Neither of them was particularly emotionally or socially sound. And, it wasn't as though she was in a position to pursue romantic interests. Not when she was fighting so hard to live. Her own health and sanity would come before any potential romances. 

 

"Genma?" Kurenai offered, toying with her hair as she spoke. Akane rolled her eyes, carefully remaining silent to the fact that she had once harboured a crush on the man. It had faded with time, and nothing had ever come to pass between them, but she was definitely not adding fuel to Kurenai's fire. 

 

Akane sunk into the water of the baths, eyes tightly shut as she dulled her senses. She remained beneath the water, silent and avoidant until her body needed air. She surfaced, noting that Anko and Kurenai had not changed topics. She figured she wouldn't be so lucky. 

 

"What of Guy?" Anko smirks and Akane finds herself exhaling loudly. "Eyebrows and questionable fashion choice aside, he could make use of that stamina."

 

Kurenai swats at Anko as Akane eyes them both with vaguely concealed annoyment. "Or," Kurenai rolls her eyes. "Someone like Iruka. He's a sweet guy, understanding, cute." 

 

"She doesn't need sweet and understanding. She needs fun." Anko licks her lips in a way that's far too much like Konoha's notorious missing-nin.

 

Akane throws her head back, eyeing the darkening sky above them. She's not interested in the conversation. Or the men they'd offered. 

 

"Are you two done yet?" Akane asks against her better judgement. "No plans to meet up with Sarutobi's or terrorise civilian men?" 

 

Though Anko laughs manically, Kurenai does her best to look shocked. "I've told you nothing is going on."

 

"I hope for Konoha's sake you taught your students to lie better than that Kurenai." Akane snorts, as her sister's cheeks redden. 

 

Kurenai opens her mouth to retort and quickly closes it without speaking a word. Akane raises her eyebrow, knowing without a doubt that Kurenai had been about to say something entirely out of character. The guilty look on her face spoke volumes. It was a testament to how kind she was, an unspoken thought was enough to rack her with guilt and discomfort. 

 

"What were you going to say?" 

 

Kurenai shakes her head, not willing to speak. Anko oblivious to the discomfort that had fallen between them speaks up. "You know, I've got it."

 

"I'll see you both later." Akane nods, climbing out of the warmth of the bath and heading indoors before another word can be spoken. 

 

She's halfway to Kotetsu and Izumo's apartment when she notices someone fall into step beside her. She tilts her head to the side, nodding in acknowledgement at Kakashi. Both hands in pockets he walks near her, without a word. 

 

Unwilling to be the first to speak she sighs and continues her path down the street, Kakashi still by her side. When Kakashi doesn't talk, she turns to him abruptly. "Is there something you need?" The words sound harsh from the moment she words them, and though she knows she should apologise, she doesn't. 

 

"You looked like you could use the company." He shrugs, mask crinkling as he smiles. 

 

"I'm running from company." 

 

He laughs, a hand rubbing the back of his head. "That bad, huh?"

 

"Kurenai and Anko are presently trying to set me up with half of Konoha's shinobi force." Akane shakes her head, emphasising her distaste for the idea. "Apparently neither understand the word no."

 

"Ah," He laughs again, tucking his hands back into his pockets. "Kurenai just wants you to have what she has, I guess."

 

Akane rolls her eyes. "She still denies it."

 

Kakashi nods. "How've you been?" He turns to face her, his single visible eye trained on her. "I haven't seen much of you."

 

"Training." She says, smiling uncomfortably. She hardly wanted to admit she'd been avoiding him, even if he knew it was the case.

 

He nods, trailing beside her. "You look like you've been sleeping better."

 

"I've taken up counting the stars." She shrugs, as though it was a perfectly reasonable explanation. "It's helped."

 

"I sleep better when I read." Kakashi pulls free the battered book from his back pocket. He passes it to her. "Here, why don't you give it a shot?"

 

"This?" Akane raises her eyebrows in scepticism at the tattered Icha Icha novel in her hand. "I've heard they're foul."

 

"Those people are wrong." Kakashi laughs. 

 

Akane turns over the book in her hand several times before glancing up at him. "Are you sure?"

 

"If you don't like it, I'll happily take it back." He raises his hands in mock defence. "But, I sleep better after a couple of chapters."

 

Akane rolls her eyes but tucks the book into her pocket nonetheless. "Thank you." She smiles and means it. For all the effort Kurenai had put into helping her recovery, she hadn't come as close to understanding as Kakashi. 

 

Kakashi shrugs, stopping and nodding up towards the building to their right. Izumo and Kotetsu's apartment. "I'll see you around." He smiles, before disappearing. 

 

Akane thumbs over the rough pages of the Icha Icha book currently hidden in her pocket, and smiles. He cared. It was in his own bizarre way, but he cared. Most importantly, he understood.

 

She wasn't ready for a relationship but if it had to be someone. It'd be him.

 


	10. Meetings and Partings Continue to Repeat

Most people tried to avoid cemeteries and memorials, they served as reminders of all that has been lost. For shinobi, more so. Kakashi, however, found himself in the company of nameplates and tombstones more often than most. He'd lost many people over his life, and he knew better than to forget. He wouldn't leave his friends behind. 

 

He visits his father and tells him of his achievements, the lessons he's learned along the way. He hopes his father would be proud. Still, each time he says goodbye he leaves with an apology. He wishes he'd understood the value of comrades sooner. 

 

He visits Obito and reads to him, sometimes, he ponders out loud. He tells jokes and shares stories of Naruto who reminds him so much of a young Obito. An apology falls from his lips each time he leaves, he couldn't protect Rin. 

 

He visits Rin and fills her in on his life. The mundane stuff, mostly. He knows that's what she'd want to know. She'd wonder if he was happy before she worried about the facade that was Copy Cat Kakashi. Apologising to her is the hardest. He isn't sure how to say sorry for taking someone's life, but he tries. 

 

He visits Minato and brings stories of Naruto's eternal kindness and drive to succeed. Sometimes, he laughs, telling tales of Naruto's pranks and less than bright ideas. Minato and Kushina he hopes would be proud of the man Naruto was growing to be. For Minato, he has two apologies. He's sorry that Naruto missed out on a happy childhood, that he was demonised and avoided. And, he's sorry he couldn't be half the teacher to Naruto that Minato was to him. 

 

He'll do anything he can to make sure he isn't visiting the nameplates of anyone else. 

 

He flops lazily onto his bed, exhaling deeply as he closes his eyes. He always struggles to sleep after visiting them. It's the least they deserved though. He wouldn't forget them. 

 

A knock on the door startles him, just as he feels himself slipping into sleep. He glances at the clock on his nightstand, it's barely past midnight. He stills a moment, breath hitching, before swinging his legs over the side and pulling himself to stand. 

 

He makes his way to the door, rubbing his hand through his hair in discomfort. Generally, a knock on the door at this night meant he was summoned for an urgent mission. That didn't stop the pit that formed in his stomach each time he heard it though. 

 

Images of his comrades and students flashed before his eyes each time. Maybe the Akatsuki had caught up with Naruto and Jiraiya. Orochimaru could have taken over Sasuke's body. Sakura, Guy, Asuma, Akane, Kurenai, any of them could have fallen on a mission. Shinobi's lives were no guarantee. 

 

He opens the door, and glances down, half in confusion and half in panic. Akane stands before him, hair even wilder than usual sticking out around her head like a lions mane. Her eyes are puffy and red-rimmed, staring up at him. 

 

"What happened?" he asks, slowly as he ushers her into his apartment. She steps around him, crossing her arms over her chest. 

 

She sniffs, then shrugs, and finally speaks. "I've been making so much progress, then tonight, I just-" Akane shakes her head, unfolding her shaking hands and holding them out. "I can't close my eyes without seeing it all. And I know it's not real, but it feels real, and no matter what I do I can't get it off."

 

"Did something happen?" Kakashi asks as gently as possible, taking her trembling hands and guiding her to sit. She continues to shake, eyes fixed on her hands. He observes her, as he makes tea. 

 

"I'm sorry I'm here." Akane pauses, rubbing her shaking hands across her eyes. "I didn't know where else to go."

 

"I don't mind." He sets down a pot of tea. He truly didn't mind, he cared about her, that she had to know. He'd told her after all. "But, did something happen?"

 

"A kid," Akane's breath shakes as she speaks, and Kakashi lays his hand on her arm. "I was on gate duty, and these two kids came screaming about a bear. They told me they'd had another friend out there, so I ran. I tried but-"

 

She breaks off into quiet sobs, and Kakashi not quite sure what to do continues to hold her arm. He understands the need to let it all out. And, she's working through it, which is something. He knows bottling things up never ends well. 

 

He nudges a teacup across the well-worn table. 

 

"I'm sorry," she glances up at him, eyes glassy and red. "I really didn't mean to disturb you tonight, I didn't even mean to come here. I just did." 

 

He smiles, though he knows she can't see it, he hopes she can see the genuineness in his eyes. "I told you, whatever you need, I'm here."

 

She smiles for the first time that night, and though it's not as warm and bright as he has known it, it's sincere. She mouths her thanks and takes her tea in her hands. It slops over the edges as she raises it to her mouth, and he takes his own in hand. 

 

"Have you spoken to Kurenai?" He asks. Her trembling has slowed, and bar the occasional erratic breath her breathing has evened out. 

 

"Some," she answers, blowing her tea over. "She wasn't home tonight though."

 

"Ahh," he nods, remembering Asuma's mumblings about dinner. 

 

"Izumo and Kotetsu are out on a mission too." Kakashi barely catches her mumbling to herself but nods along anyway. 

 

"More importantly," he smiles, doing his best to distract her. "How did your reading go?"

 

She groans, and rolls her eyes, suddenly looking a whole lot more alive. "It was awful, but, I couldn't stop reading."

 

"Genius." Kakashi corrects. "Not awful."

 

She laughs at this, and he can't help but smile in return. Her eyes are still puffy, and her hair still wild and untamed, but the smile on her face is genuine and makes him far happier than it should. 

 

He smiles at her as they finish their tea, her final sip followed with a yawn. 

 

"Can I, ah," she pauses, folding her arms across herself once more. "Can I sleep on your couch? It's just... I don't want to be alone." 

 

"Take the bed," he offers, nodding towards the bedroom. She begins to protests until he settles his eye on her. "Open the blinds, and you'll have a clear view of the stars."

 

"Thank you," she smiles again, stepping around the table to fold her arms around him. She's warm and smells faintly of tea and honey. He stills his breathing, trying his best not to react to her presence because the last time she was this close he'd kissed her when he shouldn't have. She presses a kiss to his forehead, bare and uncovered without his headband. "For being here." 

 

She pulls away, and her warmth seeps away as she slides out of reach and into his bedroom. He misses her touch instantly, far more than any one person should. 

 

Kakashi remains at the table for several minutes as he corrects his breathing, before wandering over to the couch and lowering himself onto it, his own eye fixating itself on the door to his bedroom. 

 

Akane won't join the nameplates and tombstones he visits. 

 

He'll make sure of it.  

 


	11. Believing that you should be able to do it

Akane left before Kakashi woke, using the window so as not to disturb him as he sleeps on the couch. She’s still not used to the kindness, from Kakashi and the others. Her anbu comrades she’d give her life for, and expect the same in return but they’d never been great at filling each others life with light. It was hard when so many of them suffered in the dark, and none of them knew how to reach out.    
  
Grateful that the sun had not fully risen, Akane travelled through the streets of Konoha. It was still quiet in the village, and it was easy for her to slip through without attention. Civilians busy setting up their stalls had no business with an off-duty shinobi that likely looks like death walking.    
  
“Hey you,” Akane flinches at the sound of the woman's voice behind her. She considers momentarily disappearing in a flash of smoke and sprinting her way home but knows it no use. Anko isn’t one to give up so easily. Instead, she slows her stride, waiting for the sound of Anko’s footsteps to catch up.    
  
She nods at her fellow kunoichi as their steps equal out. “You’re out early.”    
  
“So are you.” Anko glances over her, eyebrows knitted together. “And you look great.”   
  
Akane rolls her eyes but doesn’t respond. As Anko’s eyes flit away, she quickly smooths down her hair. It won't help much, of course, her hairs wild at the best of times. She glances down at her feet as her boots scuff in the dirt.    
  
“Talking to myself is just as fun,” Anko teases, nudging her in the shoulder. Akane shifts but remains well balanced and tries to continue on her way. Anko, being Anko takes hold of her shoulders and steers her through the streets. “Okay, you need tea and dango. You’re coming to mine.”   
  
“I really think I need to head home and bathe.” Akane tries to wiggle out of Anko’s grip.    
  
“I really think you ought to listen to your elders.”    
  
“We’re essentially the same age.” Akane stops fighting Anko’s grip and lets herself be led. Satisfied, Anko’s grip on Akane loosens.    
  
“In the literal sense maybe,” Anko winked. Akane rolled her eyes again, knowing full well Anko was teasing her about her late blooming shinobi skills. She’d struggled early on in her shinobi life before she’d picked up kenjutsu and found something of her own. Stepping out of Kurenai’s shadow and the expectations to be a genjutsu genius like her elder sister had given her the strength and drive to overcome all obstacles.    
  
Of course, the strength to overcome any obstacles that had come her way is what led to her recruitment into the anbu. Overcoming her time in the anbu was a hurdle she’d yet to learn how to clear.    
  
Akane followed Anko silently into the small apartment Anko calls home. Akane finds herself pushed towards the bathroom, a towel and handful of standard issue Konoha uniform items in her hand.    
  
The feeling of cleanliness and humanity having returned to her, Akane settled her dirty clothes in a pile and made her way out to the kitchen. Two plates of dango and a pot of tea laid waiting on the table.    
  
Anko smiled across from her as she took her seat at the small table. By the time Akane had managed to seat herself and take a sip of tea, Anko’s large plate of dango was half gone, a pile of sticks left behind.    
  
“So, where were you last night?” Akane chose to stay silent, busying herself with tasting the sweet dango set out for her. Finishing her mouthful, she sipped at her drink. Anko was watching her, suspicious glint in her eyes. “Were you burning off steam?”   
  
“I wouldn’t say that,” Akane carefully spoke. She knew full well Anko was up to something, her morning generosity aside, it was safe to assume she was always up to something.    
  
“Were you seeing someone?”   
  
“Not in the way you’re suggesting.” Akane took another bite of dango and dropped the leftover stick onto her plate. Kurenai would be disappointed in her, eating something sweet like dango for breakfast.    
  
“No?” Anko winked playfully and licked her lips in the way that made her look far too much like her former sensei. “Where’s the fun in that?”   
  
Akane rolled her eyes and continued to sip her tea, it was almost too cold, but she drunk it anyway. It kept her occupied and prevented her from answering Anko’s teasing. She knew Anko had gone through more than enough trauma in her life, particularly as a young kunoichi. Orochimaru had pushed her down a dark path all those years ago, and for the most part, it seemed her hyperactive spirit and playfulness had helped her from dwelling on that time of her life. Anko was the only one who knew for sure though, and perhaps any Yamanaka brave enough to enter her mind.    
  
“So, what’s Kakashi up to today?” Anko gleamed.    
  
Akane raised her eyebrow and focused on swallowing her tea so as not to choke on it. “Kakashi? Who knows?”   
  
“You I’d hope,” Anko said. “I assume it was his apartment you were skulking away from this morning.”   
  
“It’s nothing like that,” Akane replied with a roll of her eyes. “I just- I just needed not to be alone last night. We just talked a little and went to bed. Separately.”   
  
“Too bad.” Anko winked, toying with her leftover stick of dango. “I was almost sure there was something sizzling between the two of you.”   
  
“Of course you were,” Akane spoke curtly, not wanting to diverge anything else. She, herself, was torn between her growing feelings for Kakashi and the need to get her own mental health in order before pursuing a relationship of any sorts. Who knew if Kakashi would even want a relationship with her because while he’d kissed her, he’d also avoided her afterwards. He’d never been much of a relationship guy before anyway. Neither had she in fairness been much of a relationship woman. She’d like to be one day, but not today.   
  
“Wishful thinking maybe,” Anko said, a slight laugh as she smiled across the table. “I was the first to discover Kurenai and Asuma’s non-shinobi activities.”   
  
“Well done Anko,” Akane said dryly. “They’ve been following each other around since they were children and still deny their relationship.”   
  
Anko didn’t respond with much more than a laugh and a wave of her hand, but Akane knew that maybe she was onto something. Anko wasn’t the most intelligent of shinobi, but she was indeed insightful. Just perhaps, something could happen. Not yet. Not before she was ready. But the hope was there.    
  
Someday.


End file.
